I walk endlessly down the shore, the sea mocking my conscience. I hear the waves whispering their verdict that I am wrong, further crushing the guilt embedded in my soul. I cannot cry anymore. The sorrow I feel is too profound, too deep. I look up and see the scattered clouds partially dim the littered stars, tormenting the knowledge that I could never have again the love that I have lost. I see the crescent moon staring down at me with pity, reminding me of the warm, gentle smile on the face I know I could not find in anyone anymore. I turn my face away from the harsh reality, only to be greeted by a warm breeze that seems like a blow to my already bruised self. Shivering, I pull my jacket tighter around me, forming a barricade to protect me from the numbing agony creeping through me. In the battle between the conscience and the heart, I fear it was I who gave the victory to conscience. And now I must bear the guilt brought by my actions. I have come to accept that destiny, for I know it is what I deserve for hurting the one that matters to me most.
Hollow. Yes, this is what I'll be for the rest of my life, for I am void of the love that was once in the palm of my hand and now gone, because I let it slip from my fingers. I continue my pace with every step. I feel the sand sink beneath my feet, filling the spaces between my toes. I know I leave footprints behind, only to be washed away by the sea. I shall never look back.
I hear footsteps muffled by the shingles, slowly coming toward me. Even though I could not see him, I know he is there. His very presence emits an aura that reaches me and touches the fathomless cave within me, igniting warmth throughout this body. My steps falter to a stop. I slowly raise my eyes to focus on the figure standing a few yards away from me. My breath caught, I try to swallow the lump in my throat but it feels as though I am paralyzed. My heart quickens its pace against my will. The sandals dangling from my fingers slowly slip their way down to land beside my feet.
His white shirt is a stark contrast against the black velvety sky and, once more, his beauty astonishes me. And just looking at him only adds to the throbbing pain inside me.
My eyes cannot meet his face for I already know what I will find there - hatred, scorn and disgust - I am filled with shame. I stand there, my gaze riveted to the ground, not daring to look up because if I do, if I see into his eyes, it will shatter me to pieces. Then it all comes back to me. I can still remember that night, this beach. This beach was witness to our first confession of requited love that heeded our whispers as we declared our souls to each other. It was a night filled with promises of a lifetime together, our promise that sealed with a kiss of life and the cry of the ocean.
"Look at me," his mind tells me, "please, just look at me."
I take in shattered breaths, gathering all the strength I need and uttering a silent prayer to a god I don't believe in. I level my face toward his. His eyes find mine and for a moment, time seems to stop. There are no words, no actions, only the existence of two minds; two hearts.
I cannot find disdain or contempt in his beautiful face but only questions... and hope. He is hoping that I still remember the promise, hoping for my love, for a thousand lifetimes together. I search deep into his eyes and what I find there seizes my heart and batters my soul. All my restraint breaks and my knees give way. I collapse to a heap on the cool, glittering sand, his gaze never leaving mine. I break down, helpless tears learning their fate down my cheeks. I bury my face in my hands. The jacket is forgotten as insentience loosens my grip and I let it out of my grasp, granting it freedom as it flies with the wind.
A wrenched cry of tormented anguish tears from my chest as the realization strikes me. My hands itch to touch his face, to soothe him into a dull peace for both of us. To tell him that everything is alright, but I cannot. An invisible barrier stands between us, keeping me paralyzed and unable to cross the small distance to get to his welcoming arms and be with him.
"I need to know... please just tell me." He silently begs.
Right then and there, I know I cannot suffer enough to pay for the agony I have cast upon this man.
He is asking me, no pleading with me to know why.
I slowly shake my head, the tears from my eyes mingling with the salty air. A wave crashes mercilessly on the shore, taking with it my sandals as it retreats back to the ocean. I do not care anymore. I believe the world has already taken the most important thing from my heart. I have nothing left to lose.
He moves his head in a curt nod as if to accept my decision and it is all I can do to not throw up when I see the disappointment written in his face.
He softens his eyes. A small, nervous smile plays across his lips. I race my palms to the sand, my stomach turning over as I realize what he is asking of me. It has been a long time since I heard him speak and his deep, strained voice plays like music through my ears.
"Will there still be a place in your heart for me? Even the smallest will do."
It is such a heartbreaking statement, his way of asking me if I still love him. There is no denying that I do, and this is what he wants to hear. I can feel the tension in the air touch my skin and I shiver. The silence seems to stretch on forever and I am dying to tell him the truth, to finally hold him close and have him eternally. Yet I hold back. It is my conscience holding me back and I face him as I breathe a garroted sob:
"I'm sorry... I can't."
The hurt look on his face is the final blow, but still his mind is communicating with mine, telling me:
"You know you're the only one. I gave you my love and it's yours forever."
Although we don't touch, I feel his love pour through me like heat from the sun. I cannot bear the sea of torture we are flowing through. He throws me one last, long stare and there I see gleaming tears on his face and hear his barely audible whisper, then he is gone, leaving me desolate and as barren as the desert.
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