Guts Over Fear

"I was a...
Afraid to make a single sound
Afraid I will never find a way out
Afraid I'd never be found
I didn't wanna go another round
An angry man's power will shut you up
Trip wires fill this house with tip-toe love
Run out of excuses for every word
So here I am and I will not run
Guts over fear, the time is here
Guts over fear, I shed a tear
For all the times I let you push me around
And let you keep me down
Now I got, guts over fear, guts over fear"
Guts Over Feat - Eminem feat. Sia

I cannot explain to you how much the above quotation has reached me on a personal level. I turn to music to articulate my feelings because I have never found it easy to express them any other way. Music is my favorite way to learn that other people have felt the same way I have; that some of the hardest, most immeasurably painful experiences I have had make more sense when I know that I'm not the only one. 

I used to express my feelings through writing, and I wrote a lot. I have posted some of my older pieces in this blog, but I spent so many years stifling my feelings that I honestly think I'd forgotten how to write about them. This past year has changed a lot of things for me and I finally feel like I can articulate them and share them with people, without being afraid of saying them out loud. I don't make a habit of discussing negative personal experiences on social media, but I wanted to express this so that other people, who may have been through something similar, won't feel alone either. I gave my audience the choice to read this by posting it in a blog.

If any of you have been in an abusive relationship, whether it was physical, mental, or emotional, this may touch on some difficult memories for you - it certainly does for me.

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It feels like I can't breathe. Like my lungs are stuck in a vice and it burns. I clutch my abdomen and hold it, hoping for some release because it is tense and tight and all I want to do is gasp for breath. I stifle the emotions I so badly want to run away from; holding my guard up and reinforcing it with every brick of every layer I've added to protect myself from the pain. The burn rises and it is searing, yet I remain stoic. I've learned that if I cry, it makes it worse, so I begin to hate myself for allowing even one tear to run down my cheeks because that is the purest form of weakness. I steel myself, an unconscious gesture from within because I know what is coming next:

"You fucking bitch! I hate you. You're a slob and a pig and you're disgusting. I fucking hate you!!! I hate your family and your friends. You will never be successful. I do everything for you; you will always be a loser. Your dad's a cheap fuck and your brother is a fag. Go live with your mom and see what it's like when you turn out sad and alone, just like her..." I've heard these words a million times and yet they still evoke the same feelings of pain inside me, and then I see a flash and hear the mirror smash beside me, so I turn toward the bedroom, just as he says, "I want to hit you so fucking bad right now." So I lock myself in and slide slowly to the floor as I feel every slam of his body against the frame. Finally, I'm alone and I have a chance to catch my breath.

I can hear his steps fade, so I know he is leaving, but I stole his keys cause he is drunk and I know that if he has a chance, he will get in his truck and flee. I know it's a matter of moments before he realizes I've taken them. My throat hurts. My head hurts and my heart is heavier than ever. Is he done yet? Has he had enough yet? How many more of these daggers do I need to endure? Can't I just run away and find a hole I can bury my body in along with every ounce of sadness and weight I've carried all these years?

But you promised you would never leave him. What if he kills himself because of you? He loves you. If only I could have been smarter, more productive, more supportive, more encouraging, less obtrusive, less overbearing and needy, if only I could just keep him happy...

These words - his and mine - ricochet through me, I've been conditioned to believe them. How can someone say they love you and they need you, turn around in the next moment, and throw daggers to your heart that never stop burning? It must be true because the one person who says he loves me more than anything just isn't being himself right now. He isn't living up to his "full potential", he's had a hard year and he's just taking it out on me - just give him another year, and another, and another. If I don't react, it won't be so bad. We can carry on and move forward and I know hope that this time will be the last.

It wasn't.

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It took me five years to build the strength I needed to leave. The above is just one episode out of countless incidents that varied only in location and choices of phrasing. I endured as much pain as I could possibly take, more than most people could fathom. I was young and damaged when I met this person, as was he, but I don't blame him for what I went through, I truly don't. I made a choice to stick by someone's side when it went against everything my mind, body, and soul screamed at me. I actively made the choice to go against my better judgment and ignore my deal breakers and the giant, proverbial "red flags" blowing in front of my face. Every siren, bell, and whistle erupted in gut-wrenching, crippling alarm, screaming, "YOU DESERVE BETTER! THIS ISN'T HEALTHY!!" and I still ignored it. I had to wait until I was ready - mentally, emotionally, and physically - before I could walk away. When I finally did, I felt the most amazing sense of relief you could imagine, and ever since that moment I've been building momentum. Since then I have become a beautiful, confident, healthy, independent, strong, and intelligent woman. I've become a better friend, sister, daughter, and an overall better person in general. The biggest lesson I have learned is to allow people to be themselves, myself included. I cannot control what other people do, or feel, or think. I only have control over my own actions and choices, and I've learned to embrace that.

As awful as this glimpse into such a dark period of time may sound, the lessons I have learned in love and life because of this have been exponential. I discovered a new layer of strength I never thought was possible and I chose to welcome the opportunity to look inside myself and fix things that were broken. There were years of my life where I was afraid to actually say the words aloud: "I am happy!" because I was so afraid that the second I said them, something awful would happen, but now I can shout it from the rooftops because I finally believe it - and I believe in myself.

"I packed the 

passenger seat

with

the weight 

I couldn't carry 

on

my shoulders.

I have

no room left

for you." 

*If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse, please do not hesitate to ask for help: 1-800-563-0808 (www.domesticviolencebc.ca)