Freedom In Nostalgia

During that summer,

While the sun burned orange,

I would step outside and it

Would make my eyes ache. 

I would walk down the road

With my shoes in my hand,

Feeling the hot, melting tar

Squish between my toes. 

And the warm breeze would

Rustle through the trees

And from a distance

It would sound like it was raining. 

During that summer

I was free. 

A Mind That Is Stretched By New Experiences Can Never Go Back To Its Old Dimensions

As of this past Sunday, I have officially been in Toronto for one month! It has been quite an adventure for me and I have loved every minute of it. I have met so many amazing people in the short time I've been here, some have already become true friends of mine and I cannot thank all of you enough for the immediate acceptance you have all shown me. 

To my house mate, Mary Wood: I felt a connection with you from the first time we met and I thank you endlessly for opening your home and your family to me. We have already shared many laughs and great conversations and you are truly an inspirational woman. I am so thankful to have met you. 

To my brother, Benjamin Blais: you are my rock. You are an inspiration to me and always have been. I have always admired you and your strength and ever since I was a little girl, I have strived to be like you in so many ways. We are different in our own ways, but there is nothing I love more than discovering how in sync we can be and how our similarities shine through the cosmic connection that we have as family. I never, ever could have made this step without you. You've opened your arms and your heart to me ever since I was born and the love and support you have given me, over the past month especially, has been remarkable. You didn't have to take me under your wing, but you have and I love that we are growing together as adults in this wild city. Hearts open and minds free, love flowing and spirits high! #mafamiglia 

To my parents at home in Vancouver: neither of you are officially on Facebook, although I know my Dad creeps on occasion. I love you all so much. I have always felt so fortunate to have such supportive parents who have loved me unconditionally from the start. Mom and Dad, I am your only daughter and it is an honor to carry half of each of you with me in this soul of mine. I see both of you within me every day and the lessons and love you have bestowed upon me will always be cherished, even if I've rolled my eyes at you from time to time. 

To all of my friends back home: you are my family, too. I carry your spirit with me every day and I am always thinking of all of you. I see reminders of each and every one of you all the time. It warms my heart to reflect on all the memories we have made over the years. Especially Sasha Blaney Ruscheinski, Blake Ruscheinski, and Jessie Myrvold. You're my best friends forever and always. 

Gabriel: you have always been my soulmate. I miss you every day. Whenever I search for you after I've made a silly joke that I know only you would understand, it both warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. I wish you were here, but I always feel you with me. I think that's how soul mates work - no matter how far apart we are in distance, we will always be connected by our hearts. 

I have mad love and respect for my hometown and province of BC. I never took its beauty for granted and my heart will always belong on the West Coast. 

I am excited and ready for these new adventures in a bigger city. There is so much to discover here and I have had such a blast learning and living while gaining an even stronger sense of independence. A few short years ago I couldn't eat a meal at a restaurant alone and now I've made a 4,000 mile move across the country all by myself. I am proud of the woman I have become and all that I have accomplished in my twenty-five years of life. There are 'doers' and there are 'watchers' and I choose to be a 'doer'. Make life happen for you, don't wait for opportunities to fall into your lap, or you will be waiting for the rest of your life. 

#lifelessons #truth #preach 

Perfect Words

I am not sure if there is a word for the opposite of pet peeve, but whatever that term is, one of mine is seeing/writing/saying "perfect words". I adore these words either because of their definition or just because I love the sound of them, but regardless of my reasoning, I consider these words to be perfect:

Mamihlapinatapai - "It is that look across the table when two people are sharing an unspoken but private moment. When each knows the other understands and is in agreement with what is being expressed. An expressive and meaningful silence."

Melancholia - "melancholia is the beauty of being sad."

Superfluous - "a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."

Petrichor - "fluid in the veins of the gods hitting stone"; the scent of rain on dry earth.

Subterfuge - "I only have secrets that keep you safe, darlin'."

Lascivious - "I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man."

Misophonia - the hatred of sound; a neurological disorder in which negative emotions are triggered by specific sounds or words.

My Top Five: Documentaries

Documentaries are by far my favorite genre of film. I know everyone has their opinion of what makes a good documentary, but this is my own personal list of my top five favorites. There are others that I find compelling, astounding, insightful, and well executed, however, I wanted to narrow it down to a concise list of five. If you disagree with me, then feel free to start a debate!

#5. Through A Blue Lens:
(2003) National Film Board of Canada

Shot on the DTES (Downtown East Side) of Vancouver, this powerful film documents the interactions of police and addicts over a one year span. An interesting aspect of this documentary is 22 minutes of incorporated footage was shot by a group of Vancouver Police Department Officers called "The Odd Squad".

It depicts both police officers and people suffering from addiction in a different light and the connection between the officers and addicts is touching. I watched this film for the first time in my grade 12 psychology class and I still hold it in high regard as an excellent documentary. The issues covered in this documentary are close to my heart, as I work with marginalized women on the DTES and have witnessed, firsthand, the horrors of addiction and poverty on the people of my city.

FULL video in 6 segments: http://youtu.be/WTH1rbTeqyg?list=PLFD764F6D41B680E1

#4. Waiting For Superman:
(2010) David Guggenheim & Lesley Chilcott

Following several young students while they strive to be accepted into charter schools, this film heavily analyzes the American Public Education System. By examining several aspects of the public school system in America, such as the teacher's union and teaching standards; differences between primary and secondary school systems (state school, private school, and charter schools); comparisons are made between affluent and insolvent communities; and the conflicting bureaucracy between teaching expectations at the school, state, and federal level.

Of developed nations, American students rate last in math skills, yet when asked to guess their standing, Americans put themselves first. Some of the other statistics shown in the film are astounding: one school in Los Angeles, described as a "dropout factory" has been open for 40 years, has had over 60,000 students attend that school over that 40 year span, yet only 20,000 of those students actually graduated. Washington, D.C. scores the lowest in reading comprehension with only 12% of students reaching proficiency for their grade level.

The film demonstrates two important messages: (1) quality education is achievable, even for the most disadvantaged students; and (2) the cost is low, considering many high school dropouts turn to a life of crime. Here's a lovely price comparison for you:

"Pennsylvania spends $38,000 per year on each prisoner. With an average sentence of 4 years per inmate, the state spends over $132,000. Private school in the same state costs $8,300 per year, so the state could have sent that prison inmate to private school for K-12 and still had $24,000 left over."

I just watched this documentary today and it is definitely a must watch! Especially if you have children (even though I don't yet).

Official trailer: http://youtu.be/ZKTfaro96dg

#3. Crips and Bloods: Made In America:
(2008) Stacy Peralta

"30 miles from Disneyland... 6 miles from Beverly Hills, in the heart of Los Angeles, is a war zone..." Peralta dives beyond the general background and discusses the external factors involved that have fueled the two most notorious and violent African American gangs in the history of the United States. Through startling imagery, both still photos and video footage, and gripping interviews from former Crip and Blood gang members, this film forces its audience to take a hard look at several socioeconomic issues. I have seen this film many times and my favorite quote from the film is said by a man named Kumasi:

"...what message am I being fed, every day? See you don't understand that every day he's feeding me a spoonful of hatred... that's my diet, a spoonful of hatred. It's just a question of when is this going to erupt, and upon whom is this going to erupt? Am I going to attack myself? My brother? Or the cause of my anger and frustration?"

You may recognize Stacy Peralta as being known for his films about skateboarders and surfers, but the same sense of storytelling and visual style he had in Riding Giants and Dogtown and Z-Boys works extremely well with a heavier subject like this one.

Official trailer:  http://youtu.be/qN4pP-1NWoA

#2. Blackfish:
(2013) Gabriela Cowperthwaite

While in captivity, Tilikum, a performing 22.5 foot, 12,000lb male Orca, was responsible for the deaths of three people, including a top trainer. A powerful, provocative and emotionally unsettling documentary explores the devastating consequences of capturing and confining these intelligent, sentient creatures.

Cowperthwaite continually rests the onus of Tilikum's deadly behavior on the incorrigible conditions Orcas are subject to in captivity. These animals are beautiful, intelligent and highly emotional creatures, without a single confirmed kill of a human in the wild. If you've seen The Cove, it is similar in the sense that it is difficult to watch at times, but not because it is gruesome or violent, because it is emotionally jarring. Aside from being extremely organized and efficient predators, Orcas have a highly developed amygdala (the part of the brain that produces emotions). There is a scene in which a pod of Orcas are literally hunted down by poachers, the babies and mothers are separated and removed from their natural habitat to live the rest of their life in captivity. You can actually hear the mother Orcas crying for their babies.

Blackfish is a zoological horror story, a corporate expose and heartbreaking example of inhumane practices and predictable consequences that were ignored. Tilikum is still performing at Sea World in San Diego, CA.

Official trailer: http://youtu.be/fLOeH-Oq_1Y

#1. The Summit: K2:
(2012) Nick Ryan

Everyone thinks that Mount Everest is the most coveted mountain to climb, but K2, the second highest mountain on Earth, is by far the most dangerous. With only 300 people ever having reached the peak, more than 1/4 of those people didn't live long enough to tell the story.

In August, 2008, eighteen mountaineers in an international expedition attempted to reach the summit of K2 and eleven of them died on the mountain while three others were seriously injured. It has been noted that the events of the tragedy depict the single worst accident in the mountain's history.

The film uses footage from the climbing teams, interviews, and filmed recreations. The Summit tells a story of hope and daring marred by tragedy and confusion on the mountain as climbers fell to their deaths or disappeared in the dark. Conflicting accounts and details of the events from the survivors continue to perpetuate the mystery of how so many climbers died that day.

With a subject as fascinating and breathtakingly beautiful as K2 and the cinematic punch afforded by an austere grandeur of scenery, The Summit dissects a multitude of things, from preventable human error to unavoidable natural events that led to the untimely death of eleven mountaineers.

Official trailer: http://youtu.be/z0pPhTLvzu4

This sums up my list of Top Five Documentaries. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you're lucky enough to get to watch them for the first time, but documentaries are a fantastic way to learn about subjects you want to know more about, or subjects you possibly never even thought to gain insight to. If anyone would like to recommend films to me, please do so in the comments.

Guts Over Fear

"I was a...
Afraid to make a single sound
Afraid I will never find a way out
Afraid I'd never be found
I didn't wanna go another round
An angry man's power will shut you up
Trip wires fill this house with tip-toe love
Run out of excuses for every word
So here I am and I will not run
Guts over fear, the time is here
Guts over fear, I shed a tear
For all the times I let you push me around
And let you keep me down
Now I got, guts over fear, guts over fear"
Guts Over Feat - Eminem feat. Sia

I cannot explain to you how much the above quotation has reached me on a personal level. I turn to music to articulate my feelings because I have never found it easy to express them any other way. Music is my favorite way to learn that other people have felt the same way I have; that some of the hardest, most immeasurably painful experiences I have had make more sense when I know that I'm not the only one. 

I used to express my feelings through writing, and I wrote a lot. I have posted some of my older pieces in this blog, but I spent so many years stifling my feelings that I honestly think I'd forgotten how to write about them. This past year has changed a lot of things for me and I finally feel like I can articulate them and share them with people, without being afraid of saying them out loud. I don't make a habit of discussing negative personal experiences on social media, but I wanted to express this so that other people, who may have been through something similar, won't feel alone either. I gave my audience the choice to read this by posting it in a blog.

If any of you have been in an abusive relationship, whether it was physical, mental, or emotional, this may touch on some difficult memories for you - it certainly does for me.

**********************************************************************************************************************

It feels like I can't breathe. Like my lungs are stuck in a vice and it burns. I clutch my abdomen and hold it, hoping for some release because it is tense and tight and all I want to do is gasp for breath. I stifle the emotions I so badly want to run away from; holding my guard up and reinforcing it with every brick of every layer I've added to protect myself from the pain. The burn rises and it is searing, yet I remain stoic. I've learned that if I cry, it makes it worse, so I begin to hate myself for allowing even one tear to run down my cheeks because that is the purest form of weakness. I steel myself, an unconscious gesture from within because I know what is coming next:

"You fucking bitch! I hate you. You're a slob and a pig and you're disgusting. I fucking hate you!!! I hate your family and your friends. You will never be successful. I do everything for you; you will always be a loser. Your dad's a cheap fuck and your brother is a fag. Go live with your mom and see what it's like when you turn out sad and alone, just like her..." I've heard these words a million times and yet they still evoke the same feelings of pain inside me, and then I see a flash and hear the mirror smash beside me, so I turn toward the bedroom, just as he says, "I want to hit you so fucking bad right now." So I lock myself in and slide slowly to the floor as I feel every slam of his body against the frame. Finally, I'm alone and I have a chance to catch my breath.

I can hear his steps fade, so I know he is leaving, but I stole his keys cause he is drunk and I know that if he has a chance, he will get in his truck and flee. I know it's a matter of moments before he realizes I've taken them. My throat hurts. My head hurts and my heart is heavier than ever. Is he done yet? Has he had enough yet? How many more of these daggers do I need to endure? Can't I just run away and find a hole I can bury my body in along with every ounce of sadness and weight I've carried all these years?

But you promised you would never leave him. What if he kills himself because of you? He loves you. If only I could have been smarter, more productive, more supportive, more encouraging, less obtrusive, less overbearing and needy, if only I could just keep him happy...

These words - his and mine - ricochet through me, I've been conditioned to believe them. How can someone say they love you and they need you, turn around in the next moment, and throw daggers to your heart that never stop burning? It must be true because the one person who says he loves me more than anything just isn't being himself right now. He isn't living up to his "full potential", he's had a hard year and he's just taking it out on me - just give him another year, and another, and another. If I don't react, it won't be so bad. We can carry on and move forward and I know hope that this time will be the last.

It wasn't.

********************************************************************************************************************** 

It took me five years to build the strength I needed to leave. The above is just one episode out of countless incidents that varied only in location and choices of phrasing. I endured as much pain as I could possibly take, more than most people could fathom. I was young and damaged when I met this person, as was he, but I don't blame him for what I went through, I truly don't. I made a choice to stick by someone's side when it went against everything my mind, body, and soul screamed at me. I actively made the choice to go against my better judgment and ignore my deal breakers and the giant, proverbial "red flags" blowing in front of my face. Every siren, bell, and whistle erupted in gut-wrenching, crippling alarm, screaming, "YOU DESERVE BETTER! THIS ISN'T HEALTHY!!" and I still ignored it. I had to wait until I was ready - mentally, emotionally, and physically - before I could walk away. When I finally did, I felt the most amazing sense of relief you could imagine, and ever since that moment I've been building momentum. Since then I have become a beautiful, confident, healthy, independent, strong, and intelligent woman. I've become a better friend, sister, daughter, and an overall better person in general. The biggest lesson I have learned is to allow people to be themselves, myself included. I cannot control what other people do, or feel, or think. I only have control over my own actions and choices, and I've learned to embrace that.

As awful as this glimpse into such a dark period of time may sound, the lessons I have learned in love and life because of this have been exponential. I discovered a new layer of strength I never thought was possible and I chose to welcome the opportunity to look inside myself and fix things that were broken. There were years of my life where I was afraid to actually say the words aloud: "I am happy!" because I was so afraid that the second I said them, something awful would happen, but now I can shout it from the rooftops because I finally believe it - and I believe in myself.

"I packed the 

passenger seat

with

the weight 

I couldn't carry 

on

my shoulders.

I have

no room left

for you." 

*If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse, please do not hesitate to ask for help: 1-800-563-0808 (www.domesticviolencebc.ca)

Conscience vs Heart: A Short Story

I walk endlessly down the shore, the sea mocking my conscience. I hear the waves whispering their verdict that I am wrong, further crushing the guilt embedded in my soul. I cannot cry anymore. The sorrow I feel is too profound, too deep. I look up and see the scattered clouds partially dim the littered stars, tormenting the knowledge that I could never have again the love that I have lost. I see the crescent moon staring down at me with pity, reminding me of the warm, gentle smile on the face I know I could not find in anyone anymore. I turn my face away from the harsh reality, only to be greeted by a warm breeze that seems like a blow to my already bruised self. Shivering, I pull my jacket tighter around me, forming a barricade to protect me from the numbing agony creeping through me. In the battle between the conscience and the heart, I fear it was I who gave the victory to conscience. And now I must bear the guilt brought by my actions. I have come to accept that destiny, for I know it is what I deserve for hurting the one that matters to me most.

Hollow. Yes, this is what I'll be for the rest of my life, for I am void of the love that was once in the palm of my hand and now gone, because I let it slip from my fingers. I continue my pace with every step. I feel the sand sink beneath my feet, filling the spaces between my toes. I know I leave footprints behind, only to be washed away by the sea. I shall never look back.

I hear footsteps muffled by the shingles, slowly coming toward me. Even though I could not see him, I know he is there. His very presence emits an aura that reaches me and touches the fathomless cave within me, igniting warmth throughout this body. My steps falter to a stop. I slowly raise my eyes to focus on the figure standing a few yards away from me. My breath caught, I try to swallow the lump in my throat but it feels as though I am paralyzed. My heart quickens its pace against my will. The sandals dangling from my fingers slowly slip their way down to land beside my feet.

His white shirt is a stark contrast against the black velvety sky and, once more, his beauty astonishes me. And just looking at him only adds to the throbbing pain inside me.

My eyes cannot meet his face for I already know what I will find there - hatred, scorn and disgust - I am filled with shame. I stand there, my gaze riveted to the ground, not daring to look up because if I do, if I see into his eyes, it will shatter me to pieces. Then it all comes back to me. I can still remember that night, this beach. This beach was witness to our first confession of requited love that heeded our whispers as we declared our souls to each other. It was a night filled with promises of a lifetime together, our promise that sealed with a kiss of life and the cry of the ocean.

"Look at me," his mind tells me, "please, just look at me."

I take in shattered breaths, gathering all the strength I need and uttering a silent prayer to a god I don't believe in. I level my face toward his. His eyes find mine and for a moment, time seems to stop. There are no words, no actions, only the existence of two minds; two hearts.

I cannot find disdain or contempt in his beautiful face but only questions... and hope. He is hoping that I still remember the promise, hoping for my love, for a thousand lifetimes together. I search deep into his eyes and what I find there seizes my heart and batters my soul. All my restraint breaks and my knees give way. I collapse to a heap on the cool, glittering sand, his gaze never leaving mine. I break down, helpless tears learning their fate down my cheeks. I bury my face in my hands. The jacket is forgotten as insentience loosens my grip and I let it out of my grasp, granting it freedom as it flies with the wind.

A wrenched cry of tormented anguish tears from my chest as the realization strikes me. My hands itch to touch his face, to soothe him into a dull peace for both of us. To tell him that everything is alright, but I cannot. An invisible barrier stands between us, keeping me paralyzed and unable to cross the small distance to get to his welcoming arms and be with him.

"I need to know... please just tell me." He silently begs.

Right then and there, I know I cannot suffer enough to pay for the agony I have cast upon this man.

He is asking me, no pleading with me to know why.

I slowly shake my head, the tears from my eyes mingling with the salty air. A wave crashes mercilessly on the shore, taking with it my sandals as it retreats back to the ocean. I do not care anymore. I believe the world has already taken the most important thing from my heart. I have nothing left to lose.

He moves his head in a curt nod as if to accept my decision and it is all I can do to not throw up when I see the disappointment written in his face.

He softens his eyes. A small, nervous smile plays across his lips. I race my palms to the sand, my stomach turning over as I realize what he is asking of me. It has been a long time since I heard him speak and his deep, strained voice plays like music through my ears.

"Will there still be a place in your heart for me? Even the smallest will do."

It is such a heartbreaking statement, his way of asking me if I still love him. There is no denying that I do, and this is what he wants to hear. I can feel the tension in the air touch my skin and I shiver. The silence seems to stretch on forever and I am dying to tell him the truth, to finally hold him close and have him eternally. Yet I hold back. It is my conscience holding me back and I face him as I breathe a garroted sob:

"I'm sorry... I can't."

The hurt look on his face is the final blow, but still his mind is communicating with mine, telling me:

"You know you're the only one. I gave you my love and it's yours forever."

Although we don't touch, I feel his love pour through me like heat from the sun. I cannot bear the sea of torture we are flowing through. He throws me one last, long stare and there I see gleaming tears on his face and hear his barely audible whisper, then he is gone, leaving me desolate and as barren as the desert.

Soulmate

Soulmate
ˈsəʊlmeɪt/
noun
1. a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

"People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." - Elizabeth Gilbert, "Eat, Pray, Love"

There has only ever been one person who comes to my mind when I think of the word "soulmate" and that is my brother Gabriel. When I tell people this, sometimes they will look at me with a confused expression. Often people will laugh and say something along the lines of, "so you're going to marry your brother? Weird." It never bothers me because I don't perceive the role of a soulmate the same way most people do. Read the aforementioned quote and remove the idea that only a spousal equivalent can assume the title of a soulmate and that is how I feel about my brother.

Gabriel and I are three weeks shy of two years apart and we have always shared a remarkable bond. Apparently I ignored him until he was about two years old, but I do not remember that as I do not have a very clear memory of my younger years. One of my earliest memories, and one of the clearest examples of Gabriel's unfaltering loyalty to those he loves is a little story that goes like this:

I was four or five years old, playing with some other kids at the school park when someone picked fun at me and hurt my feelings. Gabriel walked right up to him and put him in his place, saying, "don't make fun of my sister or I will beat you up!". Despite being several years younger, he didn't care. Someone hurt my feelings and he wasn't going to stand for it.

When I was young I had a lot of anxiety. I also had difficulty sleeping because of this. My mom would try different techniques to help me fall asleep; warm milk, story-telling, meditation, etc. Some of them would work, some wouldn't, but one that always did was if Gabriel slept beside me. I began this technique where I would count backward from twenty until I fell asleep, and of course, he would count with me. Anything I have ever needed, Gabriel is willing to do for me, or at least help me any way he can. There is no one who loves me more than he does.

These examples are a tiny splattering of the lengths Gabriel has gone to show his dedication, but these few examples aren't the reason why I know he is my soulmate. Gabriel's vibrancy in life and his allegiance to the people around him are qualities that I fully admire and strive to bring out in myself. He always puts other people's feelings ahead of his own and he will give anybody a chance without judgment. His integrity and his authenticity astound me and he is the example of those qualities that I try to match up to. There is nobody in this world who is a better person than he is, and I say that with the purest conviction. The bond Gabriel and I have is unconditional in the most pellucid sense of the word. I don't have a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with anyone than I have with Gabriel. He is the one person I know I can be completely vulnerable with, the one person who will always be on my side, even if I am wrong, just because he believes in me so wholeheartedly. I am truly a better person because of him, because he brings out the pieces of me that I can't pull out by myself. That kind of love is something most people never find in their life and I will forever be thankful that I have found it in someone as exceptional as my little brother, my best friend.

I love you, Gabriel Gaia Hamilton-Twiss!